I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
