Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
