Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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