she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
