There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
