So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
