If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
