it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
