We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
