I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
