remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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