ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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