i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
