life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I want to fling myself into the sun
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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