i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
