I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
