oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
