the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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