Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize