the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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