I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
