I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
