Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
