drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
