Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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