I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize