You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
