It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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