my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
