good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You were trust falling into bushes
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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