Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
