you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
