Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My balls are so social today.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
