At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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