Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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