he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize