it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
