im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
