at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i dont even know how to be here
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
