I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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