I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize