I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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