There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
