you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
