So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
