took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
