rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
