Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
