The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
