my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
