What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it was like having sex with a tree stump
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
