I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
